How to dance like a farmer....and other farmyard secrets ;)

Saturday, January 12, 2013

There is a conspiracy going on in my farmyard....

I'm sure my animals are smarter than I think and I've finally worked it  all out.

It really begins with the chickens (those hens that wake up too early & have plenty of time to conspire amongst themselves before the poor, gullible farmer stumbles from his/her bed).  However our cow was certainly included ~ in fact she was a major component of the conniving poultry's plan.
You see I've finally noticed that every single time the cow puts her foot into the milk bucket there is always a big group of chickens waiting nearby.  Now not every milking is there chickens, but it seems they have a tip- off as to when it's going to happen & I'm fairly sure they don't understand bovine psychology so it has to be a premeditated action.  At first I thought the reason was because they knew they would get the soiled milk & so they were waiting eager to taste this rare delicacy ( well for them), but last time it happened I had a lightbulb moment ~ an epiphany so to speak.  The chickens weren't just there to have a meal ~ they were there for dinner & a show & I was the prime entertainment.
You see I've learnt how to dance like a farmer & you may be wondering when these mild mannered farming folk dance ( after all we are Baptist around here ;) Well you won't find them on the stages of the world, you won't find them on the platform of the town hall & you'll only find a couple at the line dancing evenings here & there speckled across the countryside ( & even then they generally aren't showing off their prowess, but rather spend the time outside conversing about topics such as wheat prices & the weather).  These humble farmers aren't going to amuse a vast international audience or royalty , but they do provide entertainment to the various animals that keep the world provided in meat, milk & butter ~ and we should all be thankful!  These farmers dance regularly in their milk shed  their pig sties, their paddocks & their sheep yards all over the world!!

In my thorough investigation of the topic I've come to realise there are 3 types of dances that I am familiar with ( although the amount of variations of these are yet to be calculated ).  My research has led me to ascertain that the following types of dances are regularly partaken of here at Sunnyside:
1. The 'foot in the bucket' dance
2.  The 'pigsty sloop' 
3.  The 'sheep yard hockey pockey'.
All of which take practice, time & experience to truly be able to accomplish.

1.  The 'foot in the bucket' dance
(This is the one that entertains my egg laying friends of a morning ) .
 This is the easiest of all the farmyard dances.  Very little practice is required to get the steps right, yet it is the emotion involved that must be cultivated by only the grouchiest primary producer!  It all begins when the unsuspecting milker glances away for half a second ~ their concentration is momentarily removed from the milking process & it is at that exact moment that the cow who has been waiting, quite innocently chewing at her grain, puts her big, dirty hoof into the bucket of fresh, frothy milk.  The dancing begins on that cue & usually resembles a flat footed riverdance mixed with some extra hard tapping moves.  The high kneed stomping accompanies the milk being flung onto the ground & some loud grumbling sounds being emitted from the rather emotional farmers mouth. The chickens  & cows are suitably entertained.

2. The 'pig sty sloop'
 Large amounts of skill are required to carry this one off.  Generally the farmer has his/her hands filled with a heavy bucket of grain & it only happens as they walk through the pigs wallow area in their high gumboots.  This dance occurs when the farmer is undoubtedly standing on one leg, ready to take the next step & they quickly find themselves sliding through the mud on one foot, unable to grasp anything due to the heavy bucket in their hands.  This resembles a flat footed ballet & if the dancer is particularly accomplished they may be able to maintain their footing throughout the time it lasts.  There is very little vocal accompaniment to this one, although a quiet squeal may occur from any female participants.  The farmer will hopefully regain their footing & continue with their job oblivious to the fact that the pigs are smiling their applause (although they are just as likely to end up covered in smelly mud).

3.  The 'sheep yard hockey pockey'.
I've been able to observe this one closely numerous times & I must say it is the most entertaining of the dances.  Forget the 'left foot in,left foot out'  part of the original dance ~ instead the farmer holds both hands out to the side & braces feet apart.  They hop to the left & right accompanied by a loud 'yayayaing' in a random pattern unique to the individual .  The chorus only happens when the sheep are finally moving in the required directing & then the farmer runs at them usually raising their hands above their head much like the authentic hockey pockey ( of course the farmers won't let on how much fun they are having)!  A loud voice is advantageous for proper execution of this dance.  This series of steps is repeated again & again & again throughout the day & the sheep provide their wool & meat happy in the knowledge that their farmer is indeed having fun!

So there you go ~ the conspiracy is solved & the mild-mannered country folk are exposed!  Let no one say that farmers can't dance, for it happens every day on every farm in every country all over the world!

NB I take no responsibility for the authenticity or accuracy of this post.  It may have been composed in the wee hours of the morning in the milkshed!

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