I cried again this month...
Month after month after month it's been the same....
Hopes rise, prayers said and in the end ...
I cry & he prays & we both come to a point where we know we have to trust, where we know it's in HIS hands.
Oh sure there have been the times of asking "Why?" The days of angry tears & even times of screaming aloud
~ even those dark days when you wonder if it's all worth it~
but not any longer.
I refuse to give into my sinful self...
(& I hate living with the distance I put between myself & the Lord)
After all who am I ~ the created~ to question the plans of HIM ~the Creator~?
So I sit & trust & although I can't stop my eyes from leaking, I ask for shelter in HIS arms.
(Psalm 27:5)
(Psalm 27:5)
~ It is my happy place, sitting there in the sun protected from the wind that brings with it the chills of winter. It's my place where I sit & count my blessings, where I relax for a few minutes each morning tea & watch my precious children play.~
And yet today it's a little ant that draws my attention ~ such a tiny creature, but it's carrying a burden much too big for it~ pushing & pulling. And today I feel like my burden is unbearably heavy, yet I know that HE is always there to help me bear it (Matt 11:28). That HIS yoke is light (Matt 11:30) & that HIS love for me far surpasses anything I can even ponder (Ephesian 3:16-20). That HE knows HIS plans for me (Jer 29:11-13). That HE is sewing the tapestry & I can only see the tangle of threads from the bottom ~ I need to trust that the picture from HIS side is that of perfect beauty!
When God laid on our hearts to trust HIM completely in this area I had no idea this would be the result
~I thought the news would be joyful & happy long before now~
I had all the plans in the world...
Yet God has used this time to stretch me, to grow me & to challenge me in areas I didn't even know I needed to work on.
Even though it hurts, to know that God is working in me makes it all worth it ~ the sadness, the heartache~ because I know He LOVES me enough to say "No" or "Wait" to those prayers. To draw me closer & guide me into trusting HIM even more each day. To challenge me to count my blessings ~ of which I have immeasurable amounts!
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
Sometimes sitting in the middle of HIS WILL isn't the easiest place to be, sometimes it isn't the nicest place to be & sometimes it's not what we ever planned ourselves. Yet being in the centre of HIS WILL is exactly where we want to be.
Thank you for letting me share a little of my heart today,
Blessings
***I just want to add that we are aware of how blessed we already are with our precious 4 - that we don't deserve them or any of our blessings at all! ***
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23 comments:
This was a nice post. Thank you for sharing.
I hope you do not mind me saying that I understand... Our trials in this area may not be exactly alike, but they are similar in some ways, there has been loss, and I truly understand the deep pain that can come from it, along with the comfort of the Lord and knowing that you are in the middle of His will at the same time.
Bless you Renata... God knows every tear. I will be praying for you. thank you for sharing your heart.
Love Carissa
Very great to hear your heart! My husband and I have big plans for family too, but we are trying to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for what God has planned . . . no matter what that may be! Thanks again! It's great to hear about you and your family!
Much Love,
Megan @ A Blossoming Homestead
{HUGS} Been there. Praying for you my friend!
LOVED this post! GOD BLESS! And HE WILL give you all the desires of your heart! WE ARE LIVING PROOF!
I am glad you have people who can sympathise with you on this matter. I know how it feels to yearn for another baby, and am so thankful that I was able to have that baby. May God bless you with more children as I can see what a great, loving mum you are. And if He choses not to, may He give you peace about it.
I know exactly how you feel. Before we even knew of the term 'quiverfull' we pretty much left things in the Lord's hands. We had 5 children in 6 years, at which point we decided once and for all, we were going to go the whole hog and would leave it all in the Lord's hands even if we ended up with 20 children or some crazy number. The irony of it all, is that it seemed like once we committed it to the Lord, He closed my womb. My youngest will be 5 next month and I have not been pregnant once despite no birth control and despite having been so 'fertile' in the past. It has been a journey, wondering, hoping, crying, submitting. I still have two cots and own the double pram and have all the baby clothes...just in case.... but I realised the other day...I am OK now. If 5 is us, then I am grateful for them. And if in the future, we end up having a 'late in life' baby/babies with a big gap...then I hope to be ok with that too.
Be kind to yourself, it is a process. (((HUGS))
I remember that feeling...I did become a momma again, but not in the way that I had planned. God had a different plan, and after 3 births and 6 adoptions, our quiver is finally full. For now...:) Keeping you in my prayers Renata.
Hugs sweet friend oxo - thinking of you. I pray that you find that overwhelming peace that only God can give.
Being here. Praying for you.
Beautiful Renata, my love to you and I understand how you feel and pray God will strengthen you each moment. You are such a beautiful blessing and I'm thankful that you are my bloggy friend. Will be praying for you, Love Martine
My love and prayers to you. It can be so hard waiting for what our heart longs for and letting it rest in God's hands. But I am so glad that even in that struggle you can see God at work in your life.
One day, my dear, you'll be able to thank God for the wonderful way He's worked in your life. His plans are always, always, always better than ours - it doesn't mean we are necessarily comfortable. We often don't understand why He does or doesn't do things, but faith is being sure that He does know, He loves you far more than you could ever imagine.
One thing we have to be careful of is that we don't allow anything or anyone to become an idol in our lives - I'm afraid we Christians can and do it. If we put our desires ahead of Him, if we focus on that more than on Him, we are worshipping an idol. (I am not saying you have any idols....I am saying we all have to be very careful that we don't give the enemy any opportunities to cause our faith to waver.) God is very gracious. We are told in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to give thanks in everything for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. It's okay to be sad when things don't go our way, and to tell God so, but then if we don't give thanks to Him for the way things have turned out, we give the enemy cause to be happy. Remember He does know and love!
There have been a number of times where I've tried to impose my timing on God, and I'm very pleased to say He hasn't given in to me. (Many years ago not long after I became a Christian I prayed a prayer saying that if ever I prayed and pleaded for something that was against His will, that I did not want Him to give it to me - not matter how much I begged.) Looking back I can see so many times when His timing has been just perfect and mine would have been way out.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh - it makes me very sad to think of you being so sad and so far away, but one thing I do know is that God can be trusted with our lives. Sometimes in the psalms the psalmist will say things like "I tell myself - I will praise the Lord - Psalm 103 starts with "Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all this is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not all His benefits.." - I think this is one of those times when the psalmist's faith might be wavering a bit, and he has to remind Himself that He'll be thankful.
Anyway, enough of my sermon - trust Him , His will is the only place to be.....He loves you and all of your darlings ...and we love you all too...
Keep faith in Him, trust Him and lots and lots and lots of love,
Mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh my sweet sweet friend. How your words touch my heart and soul. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for this time of waiting. Like you, I have my moments of weakness and overwhelming sadness. That said, it's in those times I find out just how close our dear Lord is. Feel Him now. I know you are soaking up His words and promises just as I have done so many times.
Loving and Praying you through this from afar.
I struggled with 5 years of secondary infertility after my first was born so I too can relate a bit to what you're going through. I'll be praying for you dear! ♥
Been there did that. I have two wonderful blessings that have given me a total of four lovely granddaughters.
It is not in our hands to decide, but with empty arms it is sometimes hard to accept.
It shall be made clear to you as you listen. Good that you have your quiet place.So important.
Hugs.
Dear Renata,
As you know the Lord has blessed me with 7 children and we both share that wonderful double blessing of having twins. I have never experienced infertility or miscarriage and some would say I do not understand what you are experiencing but that desire to hold another baby - oh yes! I fully appreciate that! When I had my first four, two boys and two girls, people made the assumption on our behalf that our family was complete but that was when I discovered what quiverful meant and around that time I also saw the two empty seats at our 8 seater table and saw two children looking at me. I knew then that the decision to purchase a big table was no mistake. God had just given me a vision of our future so when I found out I was expecting twins it was like seeing God's promises fulfilled but it was also the result of obedience - we believed God had told us to have more children and we had to take Him at His word and ignore the comments from people around us about our complete family and take those steps to expand our family. I never intended to have children in my 40's - I had listened to the establishment too often about the risks but once again God was asking us to take a step of obedience and trust Him. He gave me a name for our son before he was born which means 'God is good' and asked me to take hold of that no matter what the outcome. Now I am approaching 45 and still breastfeeding my 19 month year old I do not want it to be over but I know a day is coming soon when he will no longer require that sustenance from me and further down the track he will be too big to be cradled in my arms. I am more in love with motherhood than ever and this is why I completely understand that desire that you have to have more children and not have empty arms. There will be those who will think you are crazy - like those people who say to us. 'Oh we couldn't handle more than 3 and 'We wanted to be there for our 3 and see them grow up and not be distracted by a baby.' I will be praying for you that He will fulfill the desire of your heart. I do not know when He will answer and I cannot predict the path He will take you down but I do know that you can trust Him and have complete confidence in the promises in His Word. I recently gleaned a little nugget of wisdom from a movie and it was this 'sometimes we pray for patience and what God provides is not patience but the opportunities to learn how to be patient. The same for courage and all those things we ask Him for. It was a wow moment for me in the most unexpected place because I'm always praying God give me patience! And now I understand He gives me opportunities to put patience and wisdom into action - every day as I raise these children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
I know that you are are a Godly wife and mother Renata, it shines through every post and I think it is no coincidence that you named your farm 'Sunnyside'. A place where you will experience God's grace and everlasting love that will fill your lives with warmth and light, just as the sun shines down on your land to grow feed for your stock. The sun will come out from behind the clouds.
Renata, I will be praying for you. For a long time I longed for another child, but I, too, have my four. My heart understands yours completely!
Hi sweet Renata...
I do the key to happiness:
to love Him, to serve Him and to be happy with Him in this life and forever in the next....
you obviously love Him, and you are serving Him by living out your vocation to the fullest without restraints (or immoral behaviour) - so you are there! just be happy!!
you already have Him!! no worries!
xo+blessings,
Anne Marie
His timing Not ours is such a hard lesson to learn I believe....My love to you as you go on the journey...He knows the desires of our heart.xo
Renata, you know I understand the longing for another child. I will pray for you to have peace, no matter what His will is for your family.
Oh Renata, I am praying for you and your husband daily. I am so sorry you are going through this heartache now. I know what a test it is to begin to trust God in this matter, to even make the decision that the "choice" is no longer yours but His is a stretch of faith. Sending my hugs and prayers across the oceans.
Rachel
Oh sweet Renata ((((gbh)))). I am still praying for you my sweet friend. I am so sorry this is so hard and I wish I could do something to take the empty pain away :-(
Hang in there , don't lose Faith, He needs you to trust Him and draw closer during this time no matter how hard it gets.
You will continue to be in my prayers and you know I am only an email away if you ever need to talk.
Cassandra xx
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