Beginning again...

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Words spin around & around inside my head, awaiting resurrecting on the screen.  Post after post composed at times when the ability to transcribe them here is lacking, float by.  Endless images that should be put onto this page sit lifeless on a card inside my camera. Awaiting...awaiting something...

I've been wondering what to do with my blog since I made the decision not to continue my reviewing next year.  (At least not here on the blog. I have been blessed to be offered the chance to write & review elsewhere).  I've been writing here on the blog for the duration of our time on this little farm in the middle of Australia. It began with simple little posts of my very little ones & yet it seemed to grow into somewhere where I shared more than just the little things, those everyday moments that made up my days.  Instead I began sharing my heart.  Yet the very nature of opening up, stripping bare is something I am not good at.  I tend to want everything to turn out happily & when it doesn't I don't quite know how to process it & I especially don't know how to write about it.  Life since we moved here has been a tumbling of blessing upon blessing, yet also difficulty upon difficulty - it seems that those big things that I prayed for were constantly denied & so I found myself withering & my faith felt small. And so I stopped sharing; wanting to appear the strong, capable woman. Fearful that the whole world would detect what I was trying to hide: I am weak, I am hurting,  I am vulnerable (in all honesty, aren't we all?). 
Month after month, after year after year of no babies.  Operations that didn't work. Dreams that lay unfulfilled. Continued sadness as family is still so far away & I still miss them each & every day.  Much anticipated foster care placements that are denied after months of promises being made to us. If I dwell on it all my heart feels like it will crack with the pain of it.

And why would I share this to an open platter of people?  If I do, I'm braver than I ever thought I would be, for I fully expect I will hit the delete button on this post.  But if I do share it, it is because I know that I am not alone in my sadness, in these difficulties. That many of you have faced things far more life-impacting & far more difficult than I.  In fact, to be truthful, I really do believe that God has blessed me abundantly!  My trials have been small compared to so many  people  throughout the world.  The preacher at our little country church shared just a couple of weeks ago about our brothers & sisters in Christ who are living through the most difficult of times... that these persecuted Christians are not asking for prayers for their persecutions to end, but rather for the strength to bear them.  They shudder with the thought of turning out like the churches in the west...
And I weep silent tears as I realise how very foolish I have been.  How my trials are nothing....simply nothing compared to theirs.  How they have lost family, home, shelter, security all for the sake of the gospel.  And my concerns pale in comparison to that woman whose son was taken from her because she wouldn't deny Christ,  to the widow who lives in utter filth & wonders where her next meal will come from, yet still she worships God. Sigh. How small is my faith.

And so I share this it because I don't want you to think that life is all rainbows & sparkles here at Sunnyside (or in fact anywhere, no matter how Pinterest worthy the pictures are, or how tantalising the tales told).  And  I want to encourage you to count your blessings, because we surely are all blessed far beyond what we even remotely deserve. 

So I will begin again...counting... sharing...those blessings that have been so lavishly given to me:

1. A husband that constantly amazes me with his strength, his abilities, his care & his love.  He is so willing to take on new challenges & conquer difficult tasks.  He works tirelessly to provide for our family - working from dawn to dusk & often after.  He is so very strong & he keeps me in check.  Where I have a thousand emotions, he has but ten.  And so we compliment each other perfectly.

2. A son taller than me, who cares so much & hugs me when I cry.  He shares laughter with me when others just don't 'get' our matching sense of humour & drives me crazy with his many ideas...

3. A daughter, now taller than me as well, who is evolving before my very eyes from a wild little girl into a beautiful young lady (and forever slipping between these two roles throughout the day - one minute scrapping with her brothers, the next showing maturity that I didn't know she had).  That she cares so deeply about me & my feelings.

4. A rambunctious 9 year old, who has a smattering of freckles across his nose & makes paper aeroplanes when he should be listening to lessons on the proper use of the apostrophe.  He finds schoolwork easy & begins it early to ensure that he has hours of free playtime every day!

5.And his matching set  (right down to those adorable freckles) who rides around the front circle on his bike without using his hands because he's heard stories of me riding thus for long distances during my childhood (although I was older than he). He struggles mightily with his schoolwork, yet he is progressing & moving forward and he has learned how to work hard in doing so.

6. That the telephone & the internet can connect us to those relatives who live so very far away.  And the anticipation of the next visit brings such joy to my heart! And Christmas.... have I told you how WONDERFUL it is to have sisters to purchase for at Christmas time!!! I am so glad I am not fumbling about wondering what to buy for brothers....

7 For the years of no babies, that because we do not have more, we have been able to welcome hurting children into our home over the past 12 months.  (I will share more about this in a future post, yet it has been an amazing blessing to our whole family).

8. For the green grass that surrounds our home, making us feel like we are living in an oasis!  And the water that we are able to pump from the dam to keep it brilliantly green.  And the back-up water truck that we haven't really needed since it's purchase because God chose to fill our dams until overflowing!

9. For the sound of rumbling trucks as our neighbour brings grain to store on our farm.  More trucks travel endlessly along on the highway out front as the anticipated harvest-time continues in this farming community!

10. For a house that provides not just shelter, but a place to make into a home for the most precious of people! And that we have enough room to be able to open it to others in need (or those who want to visit...)

Such a small list, yet something I need to resurrect for my very own peace of mind.  For no matter what, God's will & His plan is best & THAT is something I ( & we all)  need to remember & cling to!

Even the back yard is green!!!
As for this blog, I think I'll return to my original intention, which it has slightly diverged away from over the years, and that is to encourage other mothers, to share my heart, and to most importantly,  share our story here at Sunnyside Farm...and for the rest of this year at least, I'm sure to be playing 'catch up' on those posts I mentioned!
Thank you for reading here...

Blessings Friends

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